this is why.

So. another year of attempting to change the way i look. i feel like i've been down this road 2394823094 times before. maybe journaling, maybe blogging, maybe writing down what i eat, maybe trying weight watchers, or atkins, or la weight loss, or sugar busters, or just making good decisions (which always ended up being terrible ones)... and for whatever reason i'm the biggest i've ever been in a non-pregnant state.

but now its time to get to that reason. what is the reason? i remember writing in my journal in 8th grade (1995) .... about being 141 pounds and remember thinking that was the biggest i'd ever get because i was bigger than anyone i knew, and everyone at school... so that was 13 years ago. lets do a little math. this morning i weighed 253 pounds. so i've averaged putting on about 8.5 pounds a year since then... sometimes losing a little here and there- then gaining it all back plus some.... but its been the constant creep uphill my entire life.

so lets answer some of Bob Greene's questions....

1. Why are you overweight?
well obviously, i eat too much. that is the easy answer. my portions are out of control. i have no willpower. i lack motivation. i don't exercise enough. or barely at all. i constantly have a million excuses. its always something. there's always an event, a party, a holiday, a reason, an outing, whatever.
but Bob doesn't want to hear the easy answers. he says there is a deep underlying reason why i've become the way i am. and those reasons i just gave are superficial.
there is a reason i'm not living my best life. i can't put my finger on it. but i know that i neglect myself. maybe i think its beyond the point of return. when i see that i've gained weight or when i continue to outgrow clothes... i punish myself by eating more. and i don't think i'm an emotional eater. or if i am, i eat for every emotion that ever existed. but i don't have any particular vice like oh i'm so sad i'm going to eat 5 hershey's bars. thats really not it. i just eat. i can pinpoint the fact that i eat when no one is looking. especially at my parents house. my mom has been on me about my weight for as long as i can remember and so i can admit to some psychological mindgame that i play when she isn't looking at home that i eat whatever i can find to somehow "get back at her" which i'm well aware makes absolutely no sense. its not her ass thats getting fatter. i've never been able to explain that but i do know there is something about that that is a problem ive never actually dealt with.
why else... what else..
i feel like i compensate my own happiness by making others happy-- therefore forgetting myself. and by putting all my efforts into making sure everyone else is fine-- its like i don't have to deal with myself. not because i don't have time, or because i'm trying to be some big selfless martyr... but because i think it might be a defense mechanism for not wanting to deal with it. because is too much of a hassel, its too far gone, its too out of control- its going to take me too long to fix-- or that it seems impossible too fix. its exhausting to think about. maybe because i've never seen successful. or because i constantly start things i can't finish. something always comes up, there's always an excuse to start later, start tomorrow, next week, next year.
well i'm so tired of that...

2. Why do I want to lose weight?

i'm so tired of not taking care of myself. and putting these thoughts in the back of my mind oh that one day i'll do it. one day i'll put myself first. and i'm really not selfless and trying to be all high and mighty... its not that. i AVOID myself. i'm so sick of my own body and my own thoughts about myself and my own actions that i spend so much energy avoiding myself... and its disgusting. i disgust me. do you think that makes God proud of me? i know it doesn't. and then the guilt and sadness takeover. and i go on avoiding... its time for something else.
you'd have thought i might be worth changing for, or that i'd have done something about it for my wedding, or my husband. (who by the way i have never been able to act like a trusting wife around... always hiding, covering up, no lights on.. its awful)
but now i have owen. my precious perfect son. who i want to be around for until the last possible minute of my life... i have never ever ever ever ever loved someone so much. i am so sick of being unhealthy that i cannot live this life anymore the way i've been living it... and now i have a purpose to be healthy. and its so sad that I never thought that i MYSELF was a good enough reason. and somewhere underneath it all i know i am good enough. but when i look at owen... i just know i have to do something about it for him. i want to live my best life for him because he is the best part about my life..... and i owe it to him. and to me. and to my husband. and my family. and to appreciate myself more because God has blessed my life in so many ways that i know i don't do a good enough job respecting His gifts and blessings.

i want to do a better job at ME. i want to live a better life... stop saying i'll do it later, i'll do it tomorrow, i'll start tomorrow. just stop it. my life is passing me by. and now we've started a family... with a gorgeous perfect baby boy.. i want to be my best for him. i want him to never remember that i was so overweight and miserable.

so this isn't a diet. i'm over diets. diets are mean. this is an effort for a change in my life, in our lives. i refuse to use the phrase.. i'm on a diet. i want to live my very best life.